Written By: Lauren Howard
Imagine a jar where your unmet feelings for someone are stored.
Once the jar is empty, it can’t be refilled.
That’s how I described that hollow feeling when someone has used up every ounce of care that you have for them through control, abuse, and manipulation.
I was saying it to be helpful to a friend, but the reality was, I needed to hear it too.
I was a little shook by what came out of my own mouth. I can help people through hard things any time, but taking my own advice is a different story.
Those feelings are a finite, non-renewable resource.
The care that formerly filled that jar gets consumed by a lot of things. Manipulation, toxicity, hate, questionable decisions, abuse. It gets used by repeatedly taking-without-giving or creating environments with stress and trauma.
The level drops slowly at first, but the growth is exponential as it gets closer and closer to empty.
You know what tends to happen to good people when their jar for someone else is empty?
We beat ourselves up about not feeling anything. How could we be so heartless?!
We feel guilty and responsible that we aren’t hurting for or on behalf of this person who we used to care so much about.
We ask what kind of person wouldn’t care or wouldn’t feel anything when that person who used to take up so much of our emotional space is hurting or needs help.
We take ownership of the lack of relationship because we’ve probably done that the whole time while we were making space for toxic behavior, manipulative personalities, and whatever other trauma happened there.
Friends, when the jar is empty, it’s empty.
You may feel guilty for that, but it’s not on you. You didn’t use it up. They did. That jar is for UNMET needs and emotions, not the ones that ebb and flow through communication, mutual respect, and support. Those emotions were taxed unnecessarily and prematurely released because they misused them.
You’re given a giant Big Gulp of carbonated, sweetened attachment, and they spilled it, left it open, let it go flat. There are no free refills. Refills are expensive, time-consuming, and based on availability. In most cases, the syrup has run out.
Yes, I changed metaphors. Sue me.
Guilt is gonna happen when you’re a person capable of feelings, but if you’re looking for permission to let it go, consider this it. You don’t have to make space for people who misuse the jar. Leaving it empty is self-care.
Burnout often comes with piles of guilt not only for a perceived lack of activity but for the inability to care about the things you used to care about because that care has been deeply abused. We talk about all of those feelings and how to work through them at our groups every week. It’s not just you. You’re tapped. We want to help.
Founder & CEO at elletwo
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