Written By: Claudia Clemmings
It’s past the witching hour, the predictable tick of the clock’s second hand is the only noise in a darkened bedroom. You should be asleep like any normal person but instead, your brain is performing acrobatics which is now an annoying new behavior.
How many times did you sigh hoping the sleepiness you felt at midday catches up to you? A few years before this moment, you had a sure-fire way to put yourself to sleep. If you were single, a vivid stimulating fantasy ignited an erotic response. You either reached for your trusty vibrating companion or opted for a do-it-yourself manual. If you were in a healthy sexual relationship, then a tap on your mate’s shoulder elicited a short-notice quickie - after which you drifted blissfully off to peaceful slumber.
When my 40th birthday came and went, I started to notice certain absences. Because of prolonged singlehood, my body awareness was delayed. One night, I lay in bed and it dawned on me that my sexual fire was absent. It was customary that my youthful body was always on a sexual edge. It took as little as the wind blowing in the right direction to light my sensual spark, which was quickly followed by a healthy flooding reaction. That night, I was frustrated that neither experience was possible. I made a concentrated effort to rediscover that spark but it was apparent that I had lost the loving feeling.
I was sitting in my office doing a mental health evaluation with a patient. It felt unusually warm. It’s relevant to know that I am a heat-lover and it was well known that my office was the unofficial sauna. I emerged from that session feeling uncomfortably hot and unbeknownst to me, a little flushed according to one coworker.
Comedy shows were a prevailing source that entertained discussions of menopause but they lacked the fine details and showcased women as raging lunatics. During my vibrant twenties, I had a very spunky former coworker who fanned herself profusely and kept her office ice cold. I was confused about what was happening and she graciously explained her “personal summers”. That was my first real experience with menopause. Her hot flashes, moodiness, and sleep disturbance were glaring neon signs that she was smack dab in the unpleasant milestone.
According to the Mayo Clinic, “Perimenopause means ‘around menopause’ and refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years. Perimenopause is also called the menopausal transition.”
It took me some time to piece together all these somatic irregularities. My gynecologist warned me a few years ago to be on the lookout. Surprise! My perimenopause had snuck up on me. For many women, disruption in normal menstrual flow is a warning sign that the change is on the horizon. However, for ladies such as myself, who had partial hysterectomies (removal of the uterus but the ovaries are intact), we rely on the other symptoms.
Here are a few signs that you have started perimenopause:
Irregular menstruation
Hormonal fluctuation
Personal summers also known as hot flashes
Sleep disturbance
Vaginal dryness
Decreased sexual desire
Symptoms and intensity vary for each person. Women are encouraged to follow up with their gynecologist or primary care, engage in yearly exams as warranted, and be educated about their body changes. I also encourage women to talk to their partners and talk to their female friends.
For those with a robust sex life, perimenopause can significantly dampen your sexual connection to your partner. The notoriously shameful stigma about sex amplifies the feelings of embarrassment about menopausal symptoms. It is important to remember that this is a natural and inevitable part of aging. Talking about it spreads the word to other women who are in the dark and it diminishes the negative stigma about our aging sexual system.
The apprehension to discuss such a delicate issue is understandable. Recently, during a chat with a male friend and former lover, the conversation turned to my sex life and with a little trepidation, I declared that my former sexual desire was sacked by perimenopause. If you think about the older women in your lives, they have all run the gauntlet but their change was probably shrouded in polite silence.
It is long overdue for women to put away the silence and have meaningful and informative discussions about a natural process.
Images via Maddi Bazzocco and Ephraim Mayrena on Unsplash.
Meet the Author
Claudia Clemmings
Claudia Clemmings worked in mental health for many years in both the federal and non-profit sectors. Recently, she had an awakening to focus on her passion for writing. She has written articles for previous jobs with a focus on mental health and health and wellness. She enjoys writing poetry and blogging about seemingly taboo topics. In her spare time, she engages in day hikes and attends classic car shows and air shows.